i'm hurting like crazy, and i have no idea why. it just hit me like ton of bricks. and, i'm absolutely crushed by the weight of it, and it sucks.

and, the worse thing is, it is affecting my studies. so it sucks even more. it's like i have two tests to study for tomorrow, but i'm absorbing nothing, nothing at all. i don't think i will be going to school then.

my aunt and uncle from indonesia are here today. so, i have to entertain them. and i finally know where they stay in indo. near ciputra. i know cause ferdinand pointed it out to me when i went there to visit freda during her sweet17. speaking of freda, i miss you like crazy babe! and i don't care, you are coming to singapore to surprise us, just like we did on your birthday! haha. my aunt and uncle. they wear flashy tops and gold jewelry. fendi and all. are those typical indonesians? man. i miss my cousins, andrew and albert. haha. hot ones, i may add. they were in indo when i was there. too bad i didn't manage to see them when i was there.

you know, thinking back. i wish nothing in the last month happened in school. if only i could turn back time. or else, some stuff would not happen to me, and i won't feel as crushed. ya know. it's like i have been sledgehammered. so, yeah, there you go. and, honestly speaking, even tho most of you would never believe it, i was seriously hurt by him. yes, i was. i know i did say some stupid stuff, and i do regret. i just wish that everything was back the way before. i seriously do. i realised, just maybe, just maybe, i need to have this trust. i know, it's a little too late and all. and, i for one, should know that, cause, trust is a very big thing for me, and there many times that i feel, just betrayed, ya know. so yeah, i find it hard to trust people now, so, in more ways than one, i'm sorry. i seriously am.

stuff has been going round behind my back. i know, i can feel it, and i hear some of the stuff too. but all i have to say is, it's all bullshit. all these gossips and all. how can you ever trust them. you have to hear it from the source, to actually believe it, ya know? so yeah. i can't believe some people actually base their judgement on what otheres say. and i know how idiotic that is, cause i was one of those people. so yeah. and listening to all that crap, really did cost me a lot. and, i do regret.

have been thinking alot. there are like tonnes of "what ifs", and i have been thinking of all of them. would thing have actually change? i mean, if i played things differently? well, we will never know. cause, we can't possibly turn back time right?

talked with qixian yesterday. and xuan, its QIxian, not KHEExian. i know, the similarities are there, but yeah. that was a funny thing; you thinking i was dating, shit, i forgot his name... wait, it will come back to me, but, for now, he is known as your boyfriend. anyways, as much as it pains me to say, i can see that he cares for you. and, that coming from me, speaks alot! haha. anyways, continueing, things did not go as well. and, ya know what, i was, emphasis on was, hurt by what you said. so yeah. and don't get all bigheaded, cause, there were tonnes of other things too. yours was like the icing on top of a humongous wedding cake. so yeah. you know, you can't just believe everything that you hear. ya know. so there you have it. me bearing my heart and soul to you, and there and then. you said, you don't trust me. anyways, whatever it is, i'm just sorry. things went out of hand. and i know that i blew up some stuff out of proportion and all. so yeah. there you have it. and, i'm deeply sorry. i just hope that, everything's alright now, and that things would just go back to normal.

anyways, will upload photos soon, when i can find the bloody cable. haha.

missing you guys like crazy.

love,

manda.

p.s. xuan, call me as soon as you can! there are tonnes of stuff to tell you!